the sun finally came out...

Last night before i went to bed, i was thinking a lot. Right now, i do not remember what i was thinking about...After that interesting conversation with Nimeet, it made me think.

What motivates me? That's a tough one. I never really thought about that. I was thinking about it last night. Lately, i haven't been suicidal. So i don't really think about that. I just live everyday like "oh another day". I don't try living it to the fullest...because i don't know why. I know this girl on my team and her name's Kendra. She's the happiest person i know. She lives everyday to the fullest and cries about 4 times a year or less. I wonder how she does it. I don't want to die. Or maybe it's just that i'm living in hope for something to happen.

I also realized that i spend most of my time being sad. (Well, i've realized that a while ago). I don't know if it's a good thing. It's true that when something good happens, you cherish every bit of it and when it gets ripped away, your left torn into pieces...back to the beginning except with something learned. The thing is...does the other person cherish every bit of it when something good happens to them?

Self Respect...
Now that i think of it...i don't know if i have much self respect. I know i have SOME...like...i'd be like Who would want to go out with ME? I accept who i am and all. I don't know.

Controlling your feelings...
I don't know if feelings are controllable. I notice that everytime i fall, i fall hard and at the beginning, i'm SO infatuated that every minor thing gets over-analyzed and taken in as a bad thing. My friend says that i shouldn't fall head over heels for someone at first and you should resist and have some sort of control. I don't want them to think i'm obsessed or anything. I guess i just have to hide it.

Death and Funerals:S
All 17 years of my life, i've never been to a funeral or experienced a relative or close friend pass away. When it happens, i'm scared of how hurt i will feel. I don't know what i'll do. (Random thought)

Will this be the closure? Probably not.
Nick was the best thing that happened to me and now it's gone. I'm happy it happened, but disappointed that it ended. On friday, he talked to me on msn. It turned out that it was his friend Ryan. I was excited for a while until he told me that it was ryan. I was an idiot to hook them up with weed. I let them talk to Anto. But in the end they didn't get their weed from him. Later on, i asked Nick "did you get your weed" he replied with "yah but not from your unreliable source" and i said ook sorrry. That just made me feel like crap. So much for wanting to be friends. I still do want to be friends and right now, i'm thinking that everything he said about being friends is all BS. Right now, i wish i can restart or just rewind and redo things with the knowledge i know now. I was thinking...if i never told Nick my feelings, maybe we would be better friends now. Stupid me. I have to stop dwelling on the past.

Less than a month left, and then we have to decide our futures...that's a scary thought. I don't want to grow up. It's too soon.

About camping...i was thinking about it at sunday's practise. I don't really care anymore. I'll probably spend the weekend being sad anyway so what's the point. Although, it would be nice to get away from my family.

Last night, when i got kicked off the computer. My mom bitched at me. Since i got back from Shannon's cottage, we haven't talked. She'd bitch at me to pick up my clothes from the laundry.

For Gradtrip, i'd like to go SOMEWHERE with friends. It seems like they all have plans to go somewhere already. I'll probably end up sitting and being sad again. Oh well.

AH YES! I've added 2 more things to my list...
1. Fall in love and have the person be in love with me too.
2. Bunjee jumping
3. Build a treehouse!
4. Build a cottage
5. I forget what i had before...

I think i'm losing my memory.